Domestic violence topic of interfaith Eugene event

By JOSEPH A LIEBERMAN

article created on: 2011-03-15T00:00:00

A professional Jewish domestic violence educator, Naomi Tucker, executive director of the Oakland/San Francisco Shalom Bayit, was the keynote speaker at the fifth annual domestic violence training for interfaith clergy and social service providers, held at Temple Beth Israel in Eugene Feb. 17.

Although there are 60 Jewish domestic violence agencies in the United States, none are in Oregon. Shalom Bayit, meaning “peace in the home,” was the first in Northern California when it was created in March 1992. Its mission is to foster the social change necessary to eradicate domestic violence within the Jewish community and help create family environments that are loving and respectful.

Approximately 80 people—half clergy, half social service providers—took part in the no-cost event, titled “Bridging the Gap: Training for Clergy and Community Leaders.” “Gap” refers to the lack of communication that may occur between social service providers and faith-based communities, or even within religious groups.

In Judaism, for instance, many battered Jewish women never tell about the abuse, simply because the community doesn’t want to believe it can happen to Jews. Yet studies quoted by Shalom Bayit indicate about 25 percent of Jewish families in the United States and Israel experience domestic violence. Jewish women’s traditional role as family “peacekeepers” has sometimes led them to feel obliged to sacrifice their emotional and physical safety to maintain an external image of “the perfect family.”

“Violence in the Jewish family is not a myth,” declares Shalom Bayit’s website. Domestic violence is an equal-opportunity affliction that crosses all economic, ethnic and religious backgrounds, also affecting same-sex couples and interfaith families.

At the gathering in Eugene, Tucker led morning and lunchtime workshops on causes and influences of domestic violence, barriers that stop women from leaving untenable situations and current prevention and intervention strategies. In the afternoon, Dr. Ron Clark, minister of the Agape Church of Christ in Portland, chose “Am I Sleeping With the Enemy?” as his theme, and Carolyn Rexius, executive director of Christians as Family Advocates, taught about “Making a Safer Place for Children.”

Clergy expressed concern that some religious leaders may shy away from addressing the deeper causes of domestic violence, instead opting for an easier path of simply praying together that things will improve. Worse, a few may suggest that if a woman’s being abused, she must be doing something wrong, so she should go home and fix it.

According to Tucker, this posture of denial only perpetuates the cycle of violence, so that battered women seeking help are often re-victimized and blamed once again for the abuse they’ve endured. Within a Jewish context, this attitude may stem from stereotypes that Jewish women are strong, pushy and in control; that Jewish men make the best husbands; that man is created superior to woman; and that if Jews live by the ethic of Shalom Bayit, violence should never occur.

The workshop addressed the idea that pastors of any denomination may be motivated to lightly dismiss a victim’s concerns in an urge to maintain a public image of a close-knit, supportive faith community and not airing their “dirty laundry.” In Jewish circles, there may be the added apprehension that such revelations will fuel anti-Semitism. Thus, for their own preservation, clergy may be disinclined to believe women who step forward with stories of abuse.

Shalom Bayit counters this mindset by offering information and expertise, referrals and advocacy, emergency financial assistance and peer counseling to women who have been in an abusive relationship.

“Peace has to begin at home,” Tucker said. “We will promote healing if we can, but not at any price. Leaving the abusive partner may be the most expedient and safest course, but the final decision must rest with the person being mistreated. Pastors need to know that, in some cases, the victim may be in even greater danger if she leaves. More murders have taken place after a woman has left a relationship than within.”

To guide the injured party, the religious leader should first of all accept, not dismiss, the victim’s accounts of maltreatment, as well as be able to recognize the various signs of abuse and report physical harm. In addition, they should refer women to secular professionals and local assistance agencies. Very often the battered person has been told that her own insights are worthless—they stop trusting their own instincts.

“Clergy need to provide victims with unequivocal support and give them the tools, the information, they’ll need to take the next step,” Tucker said. “That includes having a clear understanding of the danger levels, and helping them find some kind of guarantee of protection.”

During the Feb. 17 presentation, Tucker defined domestic violence as one person in a relationship systematically controlling the other through intimidation, threats, insults, emotional or sexual abuse, economic domination, enforced isolation or physical violence. She warned that, “If this cycle continues without intervention, incidents tend to become more frequent and more severe.”

Tucker illustrated how Jewish texts, laws and traditions demonstrate that abuse has always existed in our communities. “Biblical, talmudic, and rabbinic scholars have discussed it in their writings,” she said. “If they were talking about it then, it must have existed.”

She quoted Biblical examples and rabbinic responses that supported the male-dominant viewpoint. Yehudai Gaon in the 6th century wrote: “A wife should never raise her voice against her husband, but should remain silent even if he beats her—as chaste women do.” Even the usually wise Rambam, 600 years later, said, “A wife who refuses to perform any kind of work she is obligated to do may be compelled to perform it, even by scourging her with a rod.”

Balancing that, there were also textual messages that condemn abusive behavior. In the Talmud (Gittin 6b): “If a man terrorizes his household, he will eventually commit three sins: unchastity, blood shedding and desecration of the Sabbath.” Or Rabbi Simha’s response: “We have to treat a man who beats his wife more severely than we treat a man who beats another man, since he is not obligated to honor the other man but is obligated to honor his wife—more, in fact, than himself.”

Tucker emphasized that raising the issue of abuse in the Jewish community encourages women to tell their stories and get help.

“Denial has prevented service provider programs from being accessible to battered Jewish women,” she said.

Sido Surkis of the Domestic Violence Clinic of Lane Co. Legal Aid Advocacy Center, which sponsors this annual event, added: “The more people recognize that DV does happen in our community, the more people are willing to speak up about it, our leaders know more and the safer survivors will be.”

For more information, go to shalom-bayit.org, or call 866-SHALOM-7.