Women find support for religious life at national retreat

By AMY R. KAUFMAN

article created on: 2010-12-15T00:00:00

One development of modern Jewish life is the ba’al teshuva movement, the return of tens of thousands of secular Jews to an observant lifestyle based on the laws of the Torah as interpreted by the rabbis of old. Yet, as Rabbi Yakov Horowitz points out in the Jewish Observer, “There is very little ‘lifecycle support’ for the ba’al teshuva individual who has been Torah-observant for 10 or more years and is now raising a family.”

Six Jewish mothers from Portland and Eugene recently journeyed to Cincinnati to receive such support through a new program created and subsidized by philanthropist Steve Rosedale. They were Devorah Spilman, Ella Epshteyn, Rebecca Berzow and Bekah Hofstettler, all affiliated with Congregation Kesser Israel of Portland, and Rebbetzin Tehila Derfler and Beth Mali of Eugene’s Orthodox synagogue, Ahavas Torah.

The retreat was “an unprecedented opportunity” for women who had either adopted the Orthodox lifestyle or converted to Judaism, according to Aviel Brodkin, rebbetzin of Congregation Kesser Israel, who contacted potential participants and facilitated sponsorships for them.

“The women who attended have had very limited exposure to formal Jewish education or the resources available in a larger Jewish city,” said Brodkin. “This was an unprecedented opportunity to hear a world-renowned speaker, think about things that might be bothering you and put them in perspective, and take classes that support Jewish women who have made such great changes in their lives.”

The keynote speaker was Jerusalem resident Lisa Aiken, Ph.D., a psychologist and the author of “The Ba’al Teshuvah Survival Guide,” “To Be a Jewish Woman,” and several other books on Jewish topics. The retreat was held at Sarah’s Place, a new Jewish women’s learning center affiliated with the Cincinnati Community Kollel.

Each of the women from Oregon embarked on a slightly different quest.

Spilman, who has created a one-woman show that describes her journey from “hating Hebrew school” to becoming observant 30 years ago, said she valued the opportunity to “think and talk and learn in a focused and uninterrupted environment.” She said the conference enabled her to “nourish my soul and rejuvenate.”

For Epshteyn, the retreat served as “a much-needed support group.”

“In addition to learning opportunities, there was a lot of inspiration,” she said. “It recharged me, reminded me why I became observant in the first place.”

Hofstetter said Aiken provided pointers on “relationship issues between husband and wife, particularly if one is less observant than the other,” while Mali said she appreciated how Aiken “came to be a therapist as part of Hashem’s plan for her in helping keep Jewish marriages together.”

Mali also said she was “curious about what others do when there are different levels of observance in the same family.”

She credited Rosedale as a “very generous man” who understands the needs of “women who did not necessarily get the many years of education that FFBs (those who are frum from birth) get from day one.”

“Some of us have many gaps in our learning because we started later and had grown families,” she said. “The Internet helps bridge many of the gaps, but being in shiurim (lectures) is the best.”

Berzow, a naturopathic physician, said that even as a young girl she was “always searching for a deeper spiritual truth.” Before the conference, she had been “starved for Jewish learning targeted specifically to women.”

“I needed help with my Hebrew skills and learning better time management as a Jewish mama,” she said. “And I really needed a few days off from being a mom to just do some personal growth with my friends.”
Derfler, who studied at Neve Yerushalayim, a women’s yeshiva in Jerusalem, said she applied for the Cincinnati program and was “immediately contacted by Rabbi Yitzhok Preis (organizer of the retreat) because of my unique situation of … (going from) not being religious to being the rebbetzin of the Orthodox shul in Eugene.”

“I had been feeling a need for yiddishkeit and to be surrounded by some community,” she said. “I had also been yearning to learn and deepen my Torah knowledge face to face.”

Derfler said she valued the “Hebrew Booster” and “A Day in the Life of an FFB.”

“I was most moved,” she said, “by Lisa Aiken’s struggle to become a parent. She spoke about many important ideas, but what I went home with was more commitment to be grateful for what I have.”

The participants praised the warm reception of the Cincinnati Jewish community and the Rosedale family.

“We ended up staying at the Rosedale house and had the privilege of getting to know Steve and his wife,” said Mali. “They are truly special people. Their hospitality and warmth were truly exceptional.”

To “cement” the bonds they had formed at the retreat, the women have decided to meet once a month in Eugene or Portland to continue learning, according to Derfler.

“I was gratified to see how refreshed and reinvigorated the women were,” Brodkin commented. “It was a chance to challenge yourself, look at your life from a distance, and then go back home and feel recharged to give the best you can to yourself and the other people in your life.”