At 'Girls Nite Out' the girls discussed bullies

By Anne Koppel Conway

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About 150 women and girls attended Congregation Neveh Shalom's religious school fund-raiser, Girls Nite Out, May 21, according to event co-chair Julie Caron. The other co-chair was Darcy Rubin.
Following a salad supper in the congregation's Birnbach Hall, the women heard Dr. Leslie Hammer Spector, a Portland State University psychology professor who specializes in family and workplace stress, speak about balancing the needs of our children and our parents, as well as our careers.
Lauren Berg, M.A., a specialist in adolescent and adult psychology, escorted the 47 girls to the chapel and gave them a choice of talking about building self-esteem or dealing with mean girls. Most of the fifth-grade through high school age girls opted for the mean girl discussion.
Being a target of a mean girl or bully is "one of the most hurtful things an adolescent experiences," Berg said. However, the mean girls don't disappear in adulthood; they just "take on a different form."
Berg then asked what makes a girl a "meany?"

The girls, although boisterous at times, gave thoughtful and intelligent comments. They said mean girls have a need to put others down or manipulate them because they want to climb the social ladder. They also said that bullies have a need for power in their lives.
Berg agreed, the bullies "may have no control at home."
Some bullies, said Berg, "use material means, say dressing a certain way, to boost themselves and put others down."
One girl disagreed with Berg, saying that clothes don't dictate whether or not someone is mean, it's their thoughts.
But clothes, answered Berg, "could be used as a tool. It's the attitude not the clothes."
Dealing with bullies is hard and requires a fair amount of self-esteem. Berg suggests using eye contact and self-affirming communication.
Also, Berg says there is power in having others stand with the person being targeted—"physical proximity helps." Then later, when things calm down, Berg says to go to the victim and "invite the person being shut out by the bully to join you at your table."
Berg admits that there is a danger that the bully could start picking on you. On the other hand, "kids who play up to bullies get bullied too. They are often the next in line" to become the target, she said.
Many of the girls at the lecture said they don't want to talk to school counselors because they don't really help and they often talk down to students as if they were in therapy. One girl said that school counselors don't want to solve problems; they just want students to take their problems to the principal.
"If it becomes so abusive that it's out of control, you may have to tell the counselor," Berg said. But, "if you've tried a couple of times" without getting any help, "then go to someone else—go to the principal."
"Bullying is a big problem. If a counselor can't relate to it, it's a huge problem," Berg said.
There were girls that stood up for their counselors, saying that they are not allowed to show emotions and must follow guidelines. And other girls acknowledged that much of bullying in the 21st century isn't even face-to-face but comes via gossip or e-mail, often outside of school and a counselor's authority.
In the end, one young woman provided a synopsis that could potentially solve every adolescent's bullying problem: "If you like yourself, you're less likely to be bullied."